Two Crucial Practices For Better Communication and Clarity
My husband and I are having a rough time. Our relationship is more chaotic than ever and it seems that we just can’t understand each other anymore. He is not willing to go to couple’s therapy and he doesn’t want to change either. I feel so stuck and frustrated. This is very embarrassing to admit, but I find myself hating him sometimes. This is not how I had envision my future with him. I don’t want to leave him, but on the other hand, I don’t know what to do to make things better! It seems that nothing I try is working. What should I do? -Anonymous
Hey sister, thank you for having the courage to ask this amazing question. It’s a situation that many women are struggling with and I’ve been there myself with my current partner. I understand your ambivalent feelings. You want to stay but at the same time, you want to go… You feel so puzzled because you don’t recognize your partner anymore, and really, you don’t recognize yourself anymore in the relationship. It sometimes feels like you’re living with a stranger and you wonder if it’s going to stay like that for the rest of your life… and you don’t want that!!
While there is no « One size fits all » path out of this situation, there are some fundamental principles that are going to help you to improve your relationship with your husband. First of all, you mention that you feel stuck, frustrated and that you sometimes hate him. I bet that you also are full of resentment towards him. And he is probably feeling the same way about you. This is why you can’t communicate effectively. Your emotions are in the way.
When we’re full of emotions, it is blurring our perception. We’re hurt and we only speak from this wounded place, wanting our partner to admit his faults or apologize and say that whatever he did won’t ever happen again. But he can’t give us what we want because he is also in this reactive and hurt place.
So what do we do? What should you do?
You have to get rid of your emotional charge first.
Not by stuffing down your emotions, not by ignoring them but by acknowledging them and giving them a space to exist. Sit with yourself in a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted for 20 minutes. It can be your bathroom while everyone is sleeping, your car, whatever place you find.
Bring a pen and paper with you and write everything that’s on your mind. EVERYTHING. How angry you are about your man for forgetting to call to say he was not coming home for dinner. How lazy you think he is for not taking initiative to repair something. How bad of a lover he is these days. Write everything and don’t censor anything. Censorship is not authorized in this exercise. Purge your feelings, put them on paper. The anger, the resentment, the sadness, the ambivalence, the feeling of abandonment. Write until you feel complete, until you can feel some sense of relief.
Once you’re done, go burn the papers. Do what I call a little Fire Ceremony. You don’t have to wait for the full moon to do this. Any day is perfect. The intention matters most than the time at which you do it. Call in the Universe, whatever thing you believe in in the Invisible world and burn the papers with the intention to let go of this emotional baggage. Watch the fire burning the words and feel the transmutation of these heavy energies into light. Ask the Universe to help you with whatever you need help with at the moment and be receptive to answers. They will come over the next days, just be open to see them by staying as relaxed as you can. To finish the process, give thanks to the Universe and feel the lightness in your being. And please, linger in this sensation for a good 2 minutes. It will anchor this positivity into your body and give you a benchmark of well-being that you can build upon. Repeat the process as soon as you feel another overwhelming emotional build-up. That’s it for the first step.
The second thing you have to do is to practice your self-awareness.
The more you are aware of your thoughts, your emotions and your body sensations, the less likely they take over you and to build up over time, creating this emotional overflow that we released in step 1.
To practice self-awareness, you’ll close your eyes and tune into your body three times a day, asking yourself 3 questions :
What are the body sensations that I am feeling at this time?
What are the thoughts that were in my head right this minute?
Which emotions* am I feeling?
*If you can’t name your emotions, don’t get caught up. Just describe to yourself how it feels inside, for example, « it feels like my whole throat is closed by a heavy weight » or « it feels like a tornado is rumbling everywhere in my torso ».
Do this exercise every day, even if it’s only once a day. Consistency is key here, as you develop this new habit of connecting with your body.
At first, if you’re used to live in your head as much as I was, connecting to your body might require a bit of practice and patience but don’t despair, it will quickly get easier over time, I promise.
Witnessing your inner world allows you to observe what is going on instead of being carried away by your thoughts and emotions. It allows you to let them go and the more you just observe what’s going on, the more you realize that your emotions are temporary. They come and go like ocean waves when we give them room to exist and acknowledge them.
These two practices are what I would recommend to start to shift the dynamic and the energy in your relationship. By purging your emotional overflow, you will show up with much less reactivity with your husband, which will allow you to express yourself with more calm and inner peace, which in turn, is going to create a safer space for your husband to receive your message without the fear of being judged, misunderstood or snapped at. Your grounded energy will set the tone for you to be listened to and really understood. Your new energy will serve as a foundation for effective communication.
Will your husband melt instantly and meet you where you are? Probably not yet. If he gets reactive and emotional, chances are that you’re gonna get triggered and tempted to join his reactive energy. This is where your self-awareness skills are going to be handy. First and foremost, you will have to notice how you’re feeling inside during the interaction. Then, you have to hold space for everything that shows up with presence instead of trying to avoid the emotions and sensations or to spit them right out in your man’s face, even if a part of you thinks he deserves it.
Your self-awareness and presence to what is going on inside of you are going to help you to remain calmer and more grounded. It’s going to help you to avoid feeding the drama when it shows up and over time, with love, patience and practice, you will see the drama in your interactions decrease and transform into a coherent conversation in which everyone feels safer to express his feelings and where a genuine dialogue can take place.
By learning how to deal and manage your emotions and practicing self-awareness, you will slowly change the dynamic between your man and you. Trust is going to replace distrust and openness will override the fear of being judged or criticized, allowing everyone to speak with an open heart.
Plus, you will have the awareness and the inner space to feel and notice what you really want, what you really need and what to say or do in every situation. Your inner world will become calmer and calmer and you will find yourself in tune with your intuition and your inner guidance system. So while these steps are not telling you exactly what to do or how your relationship is going to evolve, they will serve to bring you back to yourself and to more clarity. Then and only then, you’ll know what to do, what’s right for you.
Let me know how it goes. These two practices are an amazing first step towards clarity and improving your relationship dynamic. They will make an huge difference if you implement them. If you’d like my guidance and support while you’re in implementing these practices, you can find how we can work together in the Work With Me section of this website.
Sending my highest vibes your way,
Isa xox
